Doctor Rajaniemi's Perspirant

Doctor of Administrative Sciences Rajaniemi, the developer of Valco's legendary lavender-scented ear grease, has struck again.

Now Valco customers have the chance to acquire a piece of genuine 1980s charm in the form of Dr. Rajaniemi's Petroli-Saappi perspirant. This deodorant doesn't smell like petrol or a Saab – but like success, neighbor's envy, and achievement, crystallized in the ownership of a Saab 99 Petro model.

The development of the scent began with a simple yet deep trauma. In 1983, when the future doctor was nine, his father didn't buy a Saab – but spent his money on an Escort. Meanwhile, neighbor Keijo's father had a brand-new Petroli-Saab, which young Rajaniemi watched from his bedroom window with quiet longing – and growing bitterness.

From this disappointment came a scent that doesn't apologize. It's not "fresh" or "modern." It's the aroma of ambitious middle-classness. It tells that the user has status, history – and the understanding to choose the best money can buy.

Dr. Rajaniemi's Perspirant – Petroli-Saappi is for those who remember the time before mindfulness. When a real man drove a Saab, smoked while driving, and Escort first brought to mind a car.

Made in Finland. Tested with cruel human experiments.

Instructions: Apply to armpits, avoid eyes and other people.
Warning: Do not insert into body openings.