Valco's Pontifex maximus has approved the company's general principles of corporate social responsibility, which we now present to you.
Corporate social responsibility
Declaring our social responsibility is an excellent way to fool customers and the media. It's also a core part of Valco's values, strategy and management. Or at least of Valco's website. Our main objectives are profitability, reputation risk management and staff engagement. Customer and employee satisfaction are necessary side effects so the above actually happens.
Valco's own responsibility is direct, narrowly defined and, when necessary, deniable. For our supply chain partners, responsibility gets a little fuzzier. Results are tracked using carefully selected metrics and reported on a sporadic basis. The reporting is, naturally, biased.
International ties
Valco operates in Finland but buys its goods in the Far East. On top of national laws, the company therefore has to skillfully sidestep international agreements as well.
These include the UN Declaration of Human Rights, the UN Guiding Principles on Business and Human Rights, the ILO Declaration on Fundamental Principles and Rights at Work, the OECD Guidelines for Multinational Enterprises, and the International Chamber of Commerce's Charter for Sustainable Development and its anti-corruption guidelines.
In practice, Valco has committed to following mostly the Code of Hammurabi and Murphy's Law. Valco cannot take responsibility for the fact that its subcontractors may also be following other laws.
Three equally flat pillars of corporate responsibility
Valco's corporate responsibility is built on the three-pillar model (Big Bottom Line Management), in which economic, social and environmental responsibility are developed in balance and in the same direction: straight down the toilet.
A healthy bottom line makes apparent environmental and social responsibility possible. These create the impression of a responsible company, which makes higher prices and a healthier bottom line possible. The cycle is a beautiful thing.
Economic responsibility
Valco interprets economic responsibility as creative bookkeeping and short-term profit generation for the owners, by any means necessary. Good governance, transparency and consideration for stakeholders are secondary. Environmental and social responsibility are of no interest whatsoever.
Economic benefit is evaluated from the owners' point of view. The wellbeing of stakeholders is of no interest in our home markets, and even less so outside them, for example in developing countries.
Environmental responsibility
Valco's biggest environmental impacts are the methane emissions from the founders eating rye bread, the exhaust fumes from an old diesel car, and fast-food waste. Environmental impacts are covered up efficiently. Hazardous waste is disposed of on the sly. Products are manufactured as far from Finland as possible so authorities don't notice the shortcuts. The rest is greenwashed and whitewashed.
Social responsibility
Valco's only social responsibility concerns the wellbeing of the owners. The goal is for the founders to do nothing and have the work done by unpaid interns, in cooperation with the authorities.
The procurement chain also aims for unpaid labour abroad. Subcontractors offer jobs to children in developing countries, though they're not particularly good at that either.
The targets are ambitious and will not be reached in the short term. Each improvement, however, is a step towards the socially sustainable development of the owners.
Communications
Valco communicates about its responsible operations with heavy distortion, both internally and externally. The main channel is a sporadically issued, hand-verified email.
Valco actively participates in trade and business associations in order to plug into the national corruption system, the old-boys' network and pre-arranged tenders.
Coverage of these principles
These principles were approved by Valco's College of Pontiffs on 30 February 2024. Implementation is overseen by the corporate responsibility steering group, which reports results to the oracle annually as part of the prophecy review. Valco's board has reviewed these principles and recommends throwing them in the bin.
Wait. Are you actually being serious?
Nope. These are the principles we actually operate by.
Okay, so maybe you've seen our corporate responsibility (or irresponsibility) principles, and you didn't find them funny. While we do take the company's social and environmental responsibility seriously, we also believe our communications should be honest and natural. Every corporate social responsibility text out there is usually full of, well, bullshit, and we're allergic to it.
We take our responsibility to the environment and the communities we operate in seriously, and our commitment to doing the right thing is rock solid. But we also believe in transparency and authenticity, and we believe that a straightforward, genuine approach to corporate responsibility, without the extra horseshit, is the best way to actually have a positive impact.
We're committed to doing the right thing, and we're not interested in corporate "greenwashing" (other than our own satirical greenwashing campaign) or any other kind of misleading marketing. Our approach is built on openness and authenticity, and we believe a straightforward approach to corporate social responsibility is the best way to have a positive impact on the communities we operate in.
Transparency
At Valco, we're committed to being transparent and accountable in what we do.
We regularly share information about our company and how we operate through customer updates, our website, and our social media channels. We aim to give you honest, up-to-date information about what we do and why we do it.
We talk openly about our efforts to push sustainability, ethical business practices, and transparency forward. That means we're not afraid to admit where we still have room to improve.
We believe dialogue and honest feedback help us grow and do better.
We work with outside auditors and certification bodies to make sure we're meeting recognized standards.
Ultimately, we want our operations to be as open and honest as possible, so we can build and maintain trust with everyone we work with.
Environmental responsibility
At Valco, we're committed to shrinking our environmental footprint.
Our goal is for every product we sell to be repairable in the future, and we're already cutting down on e-waste by fixing faulty headphones instead of just swapping them for new ones and tossing the broken pair in the bin.
We also take part in the Finnish and European battery recycling programs, and we use as little packaging material as possible: our headphones ship in a practical transport package, not a billboard.
We also push our factory to use renewable energy, and we're conscious about our sourcing to make sure materials and components come from environmentally responsible places. We're aiming to significantly cut the CO2 emissions from shipping already in 2024.
We plant a tree for every pair of headphones sold. For us, this is mostly a way to point a finger at the childish, see-through greenwashing other companies do. We actually do plant the trees, but at the same time we want to show how laughably easy greenwashing is.
Going forward, we plan to have more products made in Finland and keep a tighter watch on the whole supply chain, with the goal of being a carbon neutral company.
Unofficially we probably already are, since our own electricity use is pretty much based on renewables (and, of course, nuclear power), to the extent that we use any electricity at all.
Social responsibility
At Valco, we're committed to our stakeholders, like customers and employees, to understanding their concerns and gathering feedback on what we do.
Within our resources, we try to support the communities we have an impact on, whether that's a children's home, an association for homeless cats, or a music festival in Poland.
We aim to work together with our various stakeholders. We're committed to being genuine and personal in how we communicate, and we're not afraid to take a light tone on serious topics.
Third-party consultants have audited our factories for corporate social responsibility, and they hold certifications including Amfori BSCI. On top of looking after our own people, we take social responsibility for our suppliers and business partners too.
Summary
Valco is committed to social responsibility in a bunch of different ways. We repair every faulty pair of headphones instead of replacing them with new ones, we cut waste by using minimal packaging, we minimize our carbon footprint, and we take part in battery recycling programs. That way we set a positive example for the rest of our industry.
Our commitment to sustainability, ethical business practices, and openness helps us have a positive effect on the communities we operate in.
Valco is the world's friendliest evil corporation.